Zoe & Rayne

Thought while sitting on a a massive fallen tree...

2006-10-03T10:45:00.000-03:00

...bent into a lake by a cemetary while my eyes overlooked the sun beams on the water and autumn leaves lining the shore.

"I've finally somewhat figured out why nature is so phenomenal to me and why it is so important in my relationship with God. Because I am an artist, art speaks deeper than conversation. When I don't really understand or "get" the depth of who somebody is, a piece of art, composition of music or even a lyric I don't fully comprehend will pierce my heart differently than a conversation. It's like a new perspective on who somebody is. I can't even put to words how I now know this person deeper but it's more of a heart to heart or spirit to spirit connection/revelation.

I don't always understand God (go figure eh?). Sometimes I really don't get Him. However, when I look at nature, I feel an understanding of His heart, His love expressed in art. It's impossible to describe or illustrate, but I know Him more. I'm not saying that I have forsaken conversing with God; I talk to Him more than anybody. But sometimes.... words just don't cut it. They don't work. And here (nautre) is an expression void of words that goes past the power of words and into an inexpressible place in my heart."

Saint John to Waterville

2006-10-03T10:43:00.000-03:00

After a stressful drive from Quispamsis to Saint John (doing my usual worrying such as "what if they don't have room on the bus"? etc etc), I boarded the bus and was on my way. By the time we got off the harbour bridge I was motion sick (go figure haha). So I was unable to read or do anything of the sort. Our first stop was in Saint George. This is what I wrote in my journal.
Saint George: I saw a country-looking quilt hanging out to dry and a bluegrass festival advertisement.

A girl about my age got off and met a woman who looked about 40-50. The girl seemed relieved when the lady met her with a welcoming smile. they didn't hug which made me think they're not relatives. I wonder if the girl is a foster child. If so, I hope this home turns out perfectly for her. She seemed a little bit shy.

So the bus went on and I got my laptop out. However it wasn't out very long before I nearly ran to the bathroom at the back of the bus to hurl. Thankfully, just as that feeling was hitting me we stopped in Saint Stephen and I was able to get a breather. This is what I wrote after that stop
St Stephen: We stopped for 40 minutes at the Red Rooster restaurant. I used the washroom, bought a couple Christmas gifts and little Canadian trinket things for Jonah and Ian. Then I talked to a guy who looked in his 20s and said he was on his way to an island somewhere to live with his mom and her 4th husband. He's from northern New Brunswick and is moving to straighten out his life. (I wrote more about our conversation but for his sake - even tho I most likely will never meet him, I don't even know his name - I'm not going to give details about his family). I told him a bit about who I am and what my trip is all about.

Third Stop: the border...
Here they barely screened the old man and 3 older ladies on the bus. For me, however, after questioning me about who I am, who James Dickson is (he was picking me up) and who the Smiths are, they made me come inside.

There they interogated me again, searched through my carry on (laptop case/purse) and half searched my suitcases. The funniest part to me was when they asked me where I was born and, instead of saying "Saint John" I, in nervous chatter, said "Saint John, New Brunwick, Canada". Other than that tho, I didn't find it too hard to mask my nervousness. I acted pretty confidently. I'm just glad they let me keep my bazmati rice!

The trip between Calais and Bangor was pretty uneventful. I got to pee in a bus bathroom which was an experience in itself. For the last hour and a half I went to the back of the bus where there's 3 seats, plugged my comp, put some music on and curled up on the 2 other seats and watched the world go by upside down out of the bus window. I mainly saw sky, powerlines and treetops, but once I did see a white church steeple and, altho it flashed by within a second, it was a refreshing site to see.

So in Bangor Jamie picked me up. He took me to Best Buy and bought that ipod nano I've been waiting to get!!! The great part is that when I figured out how much tax is in Maine compared to New Brunswick and did the USD conversion (with Canadian dollar worth about 87 cents) I only spent 10 dollars more than I would have in Canada. BUT I got a 2 year warranty along with that which I would have had to pay extra for. So I scored!!!! God knew I could wait til I got down here lol.

Yep..... we then went to Bullmoose Music (I guess I got a true Maine Experience by going there. haha it just looked like Music World to me... but that's OK ). Jamie bought the new Me Without You CD. We had a great drive home catching up on the latest NB & Maine news. Of course we stopped at Starbucks and I'm very proud to say I drank a whole pomegranate frappucino WITHOUT spilling any on me! (or all over the floor HAHA sorry Jord).

Then we went to Grammy and Grampy Wrigley's house. I positively love them to death. Jamie helped me get itunes and such set up. Then me, Grammy, Grampy, Kathy and Paul (soon to be married!) all watched a teaching on bitterroots judgement. haha it was funny. They guy had crazy sideburns.

Ok.... so ya'll know nothing else on this trip will be quite so detailed but I do have a couple minutes to do this today. So yep.
love yas!

Explaination!

2006-09-21T11:58:00.000-03:00

OK.... so let's discuss the past 8 blogs I've posted. haha Pretty much what began as an excellent idea with potential to be powerful became mundane and annoying due to my slack approach.
The idea that began (if you read the first "There is a story....") was that I was going to tell a story. However before I relayed the plot I was going to introduce the characters (hence each "child" blog). After introducing these characters I was going to end the story with someting along the lines of

"These children are the story. Each of them have so much in their lives that goes unnoticed or unappreciated. They have diverse backgrounds, upbringings, home situations, giftings, and personalities and yet it is rare that they are truly known by anyone until they become older and independent. Let's understand that as children become known, not only will they feel loved and appreciated, but our lives will be impacted by these incredible people that we often overlook"
Anyhow.... as many "grown up" lives do, my life got busy and I became slack and dragged this process out FAR too long and didn't even write my entries well. It's kind of become silly to me but I felt like I had trapped myself into doing it. lol

So I deleted them out of my myspace posts... but since I got some neat comments here I'm going to keep them. haha but I do apologize for how it turned out.

I love you all

Child 8

2006-09-21T11:57:00.000-03:00

This little boy is a sports superstar. The first thing that really stood out to me from this little character was his ability to run. He's short for his age but those stubby legs carried him double as fast as his peers. As many of his friends struggled with activities such as hitting a ball with a bat, this little boy caught on immediately. He nearly beat me in soccer one day.

He lives with his mom and his older half brother.

This boy eats with reckless abandon. Instead of taking a bite, chewing and taking another, he places his snack in his hands and chomps as he shoves more and more in his face. The only thing he eats cleanly, is fries. He places them in his mouth with care. Let's just say frie days are my favourite (no mess on his face or the floor).

I honestly have never met a child so clueless in my life (in the most hilarious way tho). For instance, telling him to put his shoes on is about a 10 minute job. I look him straight in the eyes and say "please put your shoes on", by the time he has the first untied, he is distracted by something. So again I attempt to get his attention.... "Please put your shoes on....". He gets one on, but not tied.... and again I say "PLEASE put your shoes on" (and so on and so forth). It was definitately frustrating at the time, but a good laugh to look back on.
This little boy has a huge smile... and he shows it often. He's a great kid............. definitely.

Child 7

2006-09-21T11:54:00.000-03:00

The first weeks with this little boy were a confusing jumble of attempts at communication. He, having a little bit of what seemed to be a speach impediment and clearly used to quieter atmospheres was quite shy of talking and if unable to communicate during the first try, would give up completely.

Despite these first drawbacks, this child wiggled his way into the depths of my heart and will hold a place there forever. As we worked on communication together, oftentimes pulling to a quiet section of a room and taking our time as we spoke, his brilliant personality shone. As he became less overwhelmed with the crowds, I saw huge improvements in his independence and social maturity. He made me laugh in just about every activity with his outlook on things.
One regular occurence was his joy at wearing his empty lunchbag as a hat. Many days after lunch I would find the lunch bag on the table, call out his name and say "aren't you going to wear your hat today?". His heart gripping grin would appear and he'd grab it from my hands and dance around looking hilarious.

Something that this little boy hates is apologies. On occurences of bad behaviours it took a lot for him to say he was sorry. Even tho it was evident that he felt remorse, it was very difficult for him to have the humility to say it.

The very last day I saw him he came bounding up to me with his rather clumsy run and incredible grin asking me to open something for him. Knowing that I may not see that ever again, or perhaps for a long time, brought tears to my eyes. His genuine heart has grasped mine forever

Child #6

2006-09-11T19:26:00.000-03:00

If there were such a thing, I would give the male behaviour award out to this little boy. Of course, as it is with all children, there were occasions that seemed out of character for him, and he made mistakes, but overall he has an excellent character.

He arrives approximatey at the same time as I do, with both parents and older sister. He's very proud to show his family activities he does throughout the day, and especially when he has made progress or learned something new.
In the mornings he is very attached to foozball. Every morning he goes directly to the table (often playing with his sister).

Thunder and lightening FASCINATES this little boy. I remember the morning he ran up to me WIDE eyed and gave me an account of the incredible storm I had slept through the night before. That's when I found out that he and I were a lot alike :)

Yep... he's a keeper.......... just like all of 'em!

Child #5

2006-09-11T18:48:00.000-03:00

This one is a little man. He is very sensitive and his reactions most always come out in anger. If he is very exhausted sometimes results will entail tears as well. He is an only child with a single mom.

He could be considered a bully but he's clearly acting fro a behaviour that has been bestowed upon him (which is a trend in the majority of bullies anyway).

He loves bringing toys and other gadgets from home (which is strictly against the rules). They have caused disruptions and problems many times, but it is clear that he has an attachment to his possessions and shows great pride in what he owns.

He's put a smile on my face at least once a day with his energy and spunk. He's fiercly loyal to what he believes is right as well as to friends. I can imagine him growing up to be a man of his word, right to the very end.

Child #4

2006-08-29T19:44:00.000-03:00

This one is my best behaved. I remember no occasions for disobedience. There have been approximately two occasions of misjudgement on her part in the whole time we've spent together. she is boisterous, cheerful and loves candy.

This little girl's love language is definitely touch. She could hang on my arm for hours, just content to hold my hand. Thankfully, I'm perfectly OK with it and am not a person to feel invaded by such affection.

For goodness sake this child can talk! Her stories never cease. Whether I'm sitting in complete silence or severely lecturing another child, her chatter swims around me. I like to listen but I must admit I've demanded silence on occasions.

Her favourite question that resonates through every activity is "Can I go to the canteen now?" And as much as the repetitive nature with the often repetitive answer of "no" annoys me, I know that soon enough I'll miss it.

Child #3

2006-08-12T10:39:00.000-03:00

This third child is unbelievably hilarious. He can take any object, any situation and turn it into extreme sillies. He has huge brown eyes that swallow you up and his mischievous grin makes it almost impossible to put him in trouble. However, the sillies during a lecture can be rather disrespectful, so eventually he does need discipline.

This little boy puts up a tough front sometimes... but he's so soft. Physically he can take a lot and I'm not sure I've ever seen him cry from physical pain. However when it comes to emotions hurt, he can laugh off many things but we've definitely seen some passionate tears as well.

One of his most mischievous games is hiding. Any nook or cranny he can locate he folds himself into it and disappears. This trend of his has passed to other children, but it is clear that he's the leader of the hiding team. The huge smiles we discover when we find the children communicates that they are filled with joy at the fact that we had to do a little extra work to search for them. It almost makes the extra work worth it.

Child #2

2006-07-30T00:35:00.000-03:00

This character is a little girl. She is quite intelligent and a quick learner. She reads very well and seems to have the most spatial and social awareness out of all the characters. She lives at home with her mom, a father figure and a little brother.

She is quite the girl: hurt very easily and is often moved to tears over what we as adults would call trivial. It is clear that she has mastered the art of crying when she is in need of attention or frustrated. Although it is not very difficult to discern the difference between true hurt and the unnecessary tears.

This little girl desperately wants a tan and often tries to refuse sunscreen. Although she is quite well-behaved and that fact typically overrules her will enough for her to abide by my enforcement of sunscreen wearing. Along with a desire for a tan comes a need to be well-kept. She likes cleanliness although, from time to time, being a kid just doesnât allow that and sheâs all right with itâ? most of the time.

This little girl is very joyous. She loves recognition and encouragement for a job well done. One of the biggest smiles I ever saw on her face was the day when she was part of a team that won a large soccer tournament. She loves victory.

There is a Story...

2006-07-30T00:34:00.000-03:00

There is a story I'd like to tell you. It is a story of reality, struggles and joys. I am closely connected to each intricate character and I would like you to know them, otherwise the story is void. Therefore, I will begin with introductions:
Child #1. This little boy is a joy. His mother lives about a 16 hour drive away from where he lives; he goes to his father's on the weekend and otherwise lives in a foster home. It seems to be every Monday (after the weekend) that I notice the most behavioural issues and so I assume there is a great deal of neglect at his father's house. He does have a great respect for his father though, and at 5 years old call him "a good man" and often recites his phone number.

This little boy is quite emotional. He screams when he's upset.... and kicks, but he's learning that I'm physically stronger than him and that his attempts of violence do very little to me. Another trend of habit is to picks his scabs when he's he feels bad about himself and so oftentimes his legs are completely cut up. The beautiful thing that I have noticed is, over the past week, his legs have healed considerably and I have see very little scab picking.

This little boy is intelligent. He loves building dirt cities in the playground sand. An art that he has mastered is tunnel making. I can see him as an engineer or something of that sort when he is older.

This boy has exuberance about life. His excitement about the little things is so contagious. One of his favourite happenings is to see somebody that he knows when we take walks uptown. Introductions of friends to friends are proud moments for him. It feels like an honour to meet anybody that he knows.

My favourite memory with this little boy is the day I told him I loved him and he immediately said "I love you too" followed with a "heeeeeeey (the typical commencement to many of his sentences)! The monster just went down!" This beautiful exclamation was in reference to a book we had been reading early that day concerning self esteem being boosted and the bad monster going away.

I hope youÿre crying right now.

This little boyÿs favourite activities (other than building sand tunnels) include swinging at the playground, pretending to be an airplane, and playing tickle monster. He has a beautiful smile that lights up my whole day.
(Other characters to come in following blogs)

Children

2006-07-25T22:20:00.000-03:00

After 4 and a half weeks of experiencing bites, kicks, screeches, yells, names, snobby remarks, headaches, feet aches, frustration, tears, and chaos I can truly say that I LOVE my kids.

I couldn't even begin to tell you the joy it is every morning to wake up knowing I'm going to be stretched past my limits in order to learn what love is. I'm not saying that out of duty or what I feel I should be saying.... it is truly a JOY to love these kids.

2006-07-22T00:31:00.000-03:00

I was armed with a toothbrush, cloth, vinegar water and ammonia.

I conquered the masses of mold on my window.

Pirates of the Caribbean sucked.

2006-07-18T17:15:00.000-03:00

Well, not really. But it literally put me in a bad mood for about an hour. I was OK with the cliffhanger ending.......... it was what happened right before the ending. If you saw the movie you know what I mean.

haha the actual plot and quality of the movie was awesome. It was a little "darker" than the last one (that was my first thought) but I wasn't bothered by that. I was just let down by the characters. I really shouldn't get so caught up in films so that they affect my mood. I guess I was just exposed to the reality of the waywardness of emotions. I like happy ever after.... not what happens in the real world.

The funny thing is I have such high expectations on movie characters but I really have learned to expect nothing from my fellow human beings. haha how twisted is that?

What I would like to do is have enough expectations on people to draw out the excellence within them but not so I create tension and pressure or become judgemental if expectations aren't met.

Yep.... I just got SO far off topic. Anyhow..... that's the dealio on the movie. I can't wait to see number 3!!!

2006-07-05T22:51:00.000-03:00

I got my lisence!!

3 cheers!!!!!!!!

Renew me Oh God

2006-06-30T22:25:00.000-03:00

That I may live purely in the understanding of who You are and the grace that You abide in.

I can't think without You, I can't breathe without You so why do I try and live without You?

Let Your love call me in and set me free.

Into a spacious place

Intensity

2006-06-25T15:41:00.000-03:00

So God shook me this weekend.

This life is good... our God is most excellent... and we have the right and priviledge to praise Him for it....

So let's do this thing.

Let Your heart be moved by my worship Jesus.... that's all I ask. That I could move you today.

It's that feeling again

2006-06-21T17:12:00.000-03:00

Every time I'm about to go away I get super pumped until the night before when I'm packing (or thinking about packing in this case). There's something that scares me and I feel as though I don't want to go. It's the weirdest sensation because in my mind I know I'm ecstatic about the trip but everything else is tense in fear and even a twinge of sadness...

It has nothing to do with friends or family either because I have both good friends and family going with me on this one. I don't get it.

Anyhow... once packing is complete I feel better and I love it again.

But I hate this in between part. I wish I could figure out whyyyy it happens, or even what it is.

Tazzie

2006-06-20T17:56:00.000-03:00

That's my name for the summer. Staff and campers aren't allowed to call me by "Katie".... it's Tazzie. The explaination is I have as much energy as the Tazmanian Devil. hahahaha I'm named after a devil! What fun :)

OK... so my weekly schedule... in case any of you are ever trying to get a hold of me.......

Days
Monday - Friday...Boys & Girls Club
Saturdays...probly home or random stuff
Sunday...church

Nights
Sunday & Monday nights... Rosey's house
Tuesday nights... homegroup & Rose's
Wednesday nights... home and teaching piano
Thursday nights... Youth & Shannon's house
Friday nights... Vivaldi's and home

MOUSE ON MY BED

2006-06-14T18:24:00.000-03:00

So my cat just ran upstairs with a mouse in her mouth. My mom FREAKED.... the cat ran into my room and lost the mouse.......... IN MY BED.

So now I have a mouse in my bed and the cat can't find it. And my bed is a mess.... so that doesn't help..
my, my, my.

haha I like mice... but I'm not sure I'm into sleeping with them.....................

Cherish it

2006-06-13T22:39:00.000-03:00

Due to my recent graduation I've really been lookin back on my life.

What has happened thus far is ingraspable now. I'm unable to find those moments again. The days of old.... are not just old.... they're stuck. They're frozen... in a photograph... maybe in few minute intervals of a video (thanks to camcorders), but nothing more. Yes, of course, they're fond memories; but the circumstances have escaped me.

I am now a different person. You are now a different person. New experiences, new people, new circumstances have shaped and molded us into what you could call "better people"... but it's so hard to look back without an ache in my heart to say "where did those experiences run off to? where are those people and why aren't they in my life anymore?"

Anyhow... just some thoughts on that. :)

It's not all that sad... cuz I love my life now... It's just really weird. I guess milestones like these do that to a person.

Have an excellent night everyone.

My life........

2006-06-10T09:20:00.000-03:00

Is insane.

I did have a graduation ceremony.... and one of these days (maybe tonight) I'll blog about it.

Now my work decided OOOH LA LA Katie has SOO much time on her hands. haha so I worked last night, almost all day today and then 12-5 tomorrow. woooooooh. And ALL week except Wednesday when I go into town to take my driver's test!

I did quit Canadian Tire last night. I've never quit a job before so it was a lil rough but it's done and over with now. I'm working there for another week and then balancing that job, piano teaching, vivaldis AND the Boys Girls Club for a week.

THEN I go to Maine... and Canadian Tire is over.

Anyhow... I'm about to be late.

4:30 am

2006-06-08T04:31:00.000-03:00

yeah..... so I'm almost graduated now. I just worked on a project from about 1 til now. AAAAAAH I'm soooo tired. I was up til 3 last night with another project.

Anyhow... all I need to do now is check it over and do a biliography.... then it's HAPPY GRADUATION to me!!! oooh the bliss.

So yah... I'm sleeping on a couch in the fam room which means I'll probly be up in a couple hours due to my loud family. WOOOH!

Mission Impossible

2006-06-06T23:12:00.000-03:00

1 day, 19 hours and 20 minutes until GRADUATION!!!

In this time.... I must make a travel brochure (project) as well as do a complete cultural survey of a country (Columbia). I also must make it to 2 tanning appointments, a hair appointment (sister haha), a job interview, as well as run a few other errands that pertain to school/grad/job.

Just pull a couple all nighters and I'll be great. hahahaha

So pray for me k?

Love ya'll!

OH NO!

2006-06-06T07:13:00.000-03:00

That's all I could utter after getting out of the shower and looking at the time.

It was 7 o'clock in the morning... supposed to be 8 o'clock. *sigh* Oh well... I'm a little relieved bcuz I would have had to rush for work... now I've got all the time in the world. lol

I couldn't understand why it was so hard to get up this morning. haha now I know! One flippen hour early!

Lord send the floods...

2006-06-04T22:25:00.000-03:00

Yah... so it's flooding like crazy here. I LOVE IT. I danced in the rain a couple times today. Even did a cartwheel!

But my favourite part happened tonight on the way home from Kidzone...

Destiny decided to try and gun it thru a CRAZY huge puddle. We got stuck in the middle so me and her fiance Josh decided to get out and push the car like big strong men..... er.... yah
So I opened the car door..... and water came spilling in! That's how deep the puddle was ppl!!! I stepped into it and it was up to my bum. Which I know.... isn't much cuz I'm short... but that's still pretty deep!

hahaha so me and Josh (Josh & I) pushed the car while the police sat in their nice, warm, dry jeep and watched us (and probly laughed... but the windows were tinted so I couldn't tell).
haha it was a good lil adventure. I had fun :)

The only bummer about crazy rain is that I didn't get to do outdoor grad pics........... dang. Instead I have corny indoor ones. But it was fun having a photoshoot today!! I felt awful special to have the camera flash my way like that.

blah

2006-06-03T23:03:00.000-03:00

I wish there was a private button on this blog. There is stuff I'd like to write tonight that I'd prefer no one to read. But, knowing me, I'll just think about it and won't write it (handwriting is too annoying. By the time I write one sentence I've thought 6 more).

Meh... whatever.

Moolah

2006-06-02T23:15:00.000-03:00

I made a total of $111.60 today.

I made 48.85 in 7 hours

And 65.75 in 3 hours.

Dang.... I wish my second job had more hours.

haha

Is it weird to post amounts of money made? i hope not.... cuz it just made me laugh really hard when I saw the difference in hours and amount.

Baby Eyes

2006-06-01T12:06:00.000-03:00

Won't you look along with me

Into a sea of purity

Mingling shades of curiosity

Intelligent light piercing fiercly

As it writes upon my heart
"I dare to hope in love"

In absolute void of shame

Depth and beauty can remain

Unmarred by pride of fear or lust

No choice to make, only trust

This beautiful site of truth

Yet unlearned to the dealings of lies

Innocence mastered, perfectly uncouth

When you look into baby eyes

The Creation of Amaya

2006-06-01T01:34:00.000-03:00

So... I had this project. I had to create an island. I called my beautiful island Amaya. I needed 9 maps.

1. The name, basic shape and major geographic features of the island
2. A relief map (elevation)
3. A precipitation map (taking rainshadow and orographic rainfall into consideration)
4. A map of the natural vegitation (considering altitude and precipitation)
5. A map of the mineral and fuel deposits
6. A map outlining the industrial and agricultural areas (obviously taking elevation, precipitation, natural vegitation and mineral & fuel deposits into account)
7. A population map (taking all of the above into consideration)
8. A transportation map outlining major highways, railroads, airports, ports and navigable rivers.
9. A political map outlining provinces with fairly even population and resources.

I said all that to make myself smart and feel like I accomplished a whole lot. But reading it now makes it not seem so hard.

Anyhow.... I'm finished. After HOURS of hard labour. haha I'm so happy to be finished. My next project in that class is to create a travel brochure for the island. I'm so sick of Amaya..... why can't she just go away?

Wonder

2006-05-30T08:36:00.000-03:00

"Wonder is a youthful quality. In a sense, God is younger than we are. We're the ones who have finite bodies that were born at a certain time and will die at a certain time. God wasn't born and He isn't dying. He's eternal. When He says that we must become like little children to enter the kingdom of God, it is because He Himself has an everlasting youthful nature, and we are to reflect that, since our spirits will live eternally with Him......

... every day, when the sun comes up, God still gets excited about what He has created. Have you noticed that when you twirl a little kid around, and you've already whizzed him around twenty-five times, when you stop he says DO IT AGAIN!! You think, Oh I've had enough but you whizz him around again and he says, DO IT AGAIN, AGAIN! God is like that, in a sense. He still takes pleasure in the sun coming up and going down, almost as if He's saying, "Do it again!" His pleasure in His creation is a youthful pleasure and that is the attitude we should reflect too"

I got that out of the Newsboys' book "Shine".

I liked it.

GROSS!!!!!

2006-05-29T23:42:00.000-03:00

My cat is in heat!!!! It's the sickest thing that I've ever seen.

I can't handle it! I actually thought she was cute.... now everything about her disgusts me. UUUUUUUUUGH

haha there's something horribly disturbing about a horny cat sticking it's butt up at you and wailing...............

like I just wanna puke

Canadian Tire Chick

2006-05-26T00:26:00.000-03:00

Yep.... I start on Monday!!! Should be a good time.

I'm excited.... I like people and working at a cash register I'll get to see lots of 'em!! wooh!

Revelation from John 1 (Edited)

2006-05-24T10:42:00.000-03:00

As I was meditating on John 1 last night... I got some stuff. Here it is :). If you want a lengthier version, go to http://blog.myspace.com/asraynewrote

What the Lord said to me this...

"My Son and My Word are inseparable. Therefore, when I speak My Word into your life, it is the Word becoming flesh within you. My Word created the dust that you are made of, and therefore the very essence of who you are is Christ. Your mind is renewed, your heart is made soft, you are changing into the likeness of Christ, which is who you were designed to be in the beginning when I created you in my image."

Jesus Christ ressurected from the dead so that His Spirit, alive and active, could LIVE within us. If Christ and the Word of God are inseperable... then the Word of God is not dead, it is alive and active as well. It is the double-edged sword coming from our Lord's mouth. It does not depart from Him. It is alive by His spirit.

Let us BEAR FRUIT from the word. Let's be good soil so that when the seed of His revelation goes into our hearts, it is cultivated and grown. Let's war and pray over our prophetic words. Let's ask God for visions and dreams and direction. He's so willing... if we cultivate what He's given us already.

Resumes

2006-05-23T22:49:00.000-03:00

Everyone pray that God opens the door for the perfect job this summer. I dropped off about a million and one resumes today (more like 8 or so), but I want favour the job of where I'm supposed to be.

I think I'd love to work at the Irving... but that's just a thought. That is, if I don't get the job at the YMCA of Quispam.... but it's lookin like a no cuz I applied too late.

Dang it.

haha ok.... the end. I spoke tonight at homegroup and I might post some of it tomorrow. but for now I'm going to do some schoolwork so I can graaaaaduate!! woooh!!!

OK

2006-05-20T23:09:00.000-03:00

So I was made for concerts..... I had SOO much fun. hehe

It's so evident that Pete has an incredible heart man.... he ever prophesied over Saint John at the end! I'm sure it was rehearsed.... but man it was so real and SO annointed.... I appreciate their heart to speak life over the cities they go to.... it's incredible.

I was so unbelievable impressed by these guys. They are artists.... I'm too tired to say more really. but an excellent blending of what would be called their newer "worship music" as well as their old fun, awesome (worship) stuff. hehe

yay :)

Newsboys

2006-05-20T18:07:00.000-03:00

Tonight. I got a free ticket.

It'll be a lil walk down memory lane eh Court? hehehe

Maybe I'll get some healing for the hurt when Courtney got to go when we were little and I didn't. haha

"Phil, you have beautiful hair"

Sunny Days

2006-05-18T11:40:00.000-03:00

Me, Court & Allie-oop had a photoshoot the other day.
I needed to practise making a slideshow with the new program on the computer...

So this is the result :)

I Freaked Out

2006-05-16T14:39:00.000-03:00

So... I went for my lisence... haha oh dear me.

I had an impecible driving lesson, did everything perfectly. (My instructor told me so ). So I pulled into the parking lot and saw the driver lady's face and then everything went downhill. She wasn't ready for me so I did a bit more driving with my instructor and started messing EVERYTHING up.

I went in the bathroom, nearly cried but got myself somewhat calmed down. Tried to call Allan, he was at school of course (duh KT), gave the lady my permit and sat out in the car and watied for her, as the downpour began.

By the time she got out, it was raining HARD and I was on the verge of tears and shaking. I frigged everything up...... really. We got to parallel parking (which I usually ace) and I couldn't do it..... at all. The mirrors were fogged up and I didn't even notice. haha She didn't even take me out of the parking lot.

*sigh*... I'm so frustrated. Why can I do EVERYTHING else without nerves freaking out?? aaaaaaaarg. haha

Anyhow... it's all in God's hands. I don't NEED my lisence right now... altho it would be incredibly convenient. But I guess I"ll just save some gas money for now.

Thanks for listening to my vent. lol

Bored

2006-05-16T09:18:00.000-03:00

I think I get bored with things easily. And right now, blogging is one of those things. I'm sure the excitement will resurface one of these days.

but anyhow... this post is to tell ya'll that today (Tuesday) I'm taking my driving test at 2. Sooooo if ya'll wanna pray for me, that would be SWEET. It would be super convenient to have my lisence now!!

I'll post the results laaaater if I can.

In the Middle of the Night

2006-05-12T22:11:00.000-03:00

My heart, it yearns

And tho You're far away, still I'm here to say

I am Yours, I am Yours.

And I payed my vows, no turning around

I burned the bridges, they can't be found

Beautiful song.

haha so yesterday I walked around uptown with a 9 month old baby. It was an interesting experience. I got some looks..... I just wanted to put a big sign on me that said "She's not my baby."

But she was cute... so it was fun.

I haven't had much to say as of late... I go thru blogging fazes... and now is not one of them.

My life right now...

~I crave Jesus.
~I'm trying desperately to graduate as soon as possible
~Free for all tomorrow
~Lisence sooooon (like friday maybe!)
~Attempting to write a song to sing at graduation... I also need a dress.
~Pastor Brian and Candice coming... gotta lead worship, gotta find a band first. AAAH
~Being accused of some craziness........ Oh Lord
~Learning the faithfulness of God.... whom have I but Him?

The End... I'm tired.

Sisterly Love

2006-05-09T08:28:00.000-03:00

Em came home from Cali last night!

I've been so thankful lately to have such incredibly beautiful sisters such as I have. All 3 of 'em are just astounding and so full of life. It amazes me to be so blessed.

Thank You Jesus :)

1st piano lesson with the girls...

2006-05-08T16:59:00.000-03:00

WAS ROCKIN!!

I was feelin sorta bummed out before they came (due to losing nearly an entire essay on Thomas Hardy's "The Respectable Burgher" and how he predicted the effects of Higher Criticism on England in the 19th century...) but now I feel refreshed and ready to rewrite it! haha

Thank the Lord for beautiful, enthusiastic little girls who love music!!! :)

mmm

2006-05-07T22:17:00.000-03:00

The Lord is gracious and compassionate
Slow to anger and rich in love

And the Lord is good to all
He has compassion on all that He has made

As far as the east is from the west
That's how far He has removed our transgressions from us

And praise the Lord, O my soul, praise the Lord.

~Amen.

To the Devil:

2006-05-06T02:23:00.000-03:00

I freakin hate you.

You can go to hell.

Get your filthy little hands out of my life and the lives of the people around me,

IN JESUS NAME............ that means you're obligated.

Picnic!

2006-05-05T17:27:00.000-03:00

Mel, Hailey Chown & I just went for a beautiful picnic out in the Hampton area!!

It was beautiful.... and I got to run and twirl barefoot in the grass :)

And now we're off to town.

P.S.

2006-05-04T23:44:00.000-03:00

I really do believe that God is bringing me to a place of consistency.... and that's why all these emotional attacks have been happening.

I mean, look at my posts.... lol it kind of cracks me up.

But what I AM noticing is that my moments of despair really are shortening... and so I know He's making progress in this area of my life.

So pray that it continues....... I want my eyes to be SOO on Him that I really can be consistent........ cuz we serve a consistent God.

Yep... so that's the end.

VICTORY!!!

2006-05-04T23:38:00.000-03:00

I FINALLY CRIED TONIGHT!!!! And there was no hormonal reason whatsoever.

Thank-you JESUS!... thank you very much. haha

Altho they weren't happy tears, they were releasing!!!! God knows how much we can bear eh? mmm hmm He IS a good God.

I'm feeling much better now....... and even tho my eyes are slightly puffy........ I can smile again. :)

2006-05-04T00:32:00.000-03:00

Phew...... thank goodness I'm over that.

Now........ on with life. And life more abundantly

Dang it

2006-05-03T21:50:00.000-03:00

I'm feeling so overwhelmed with sentiment and a feeling close to despair right now that I'm too terrified to even think.

I'm scared......... I'm scared........ I'm scared......... and I know the truth, I feel the truth, I believe the truth but I'm scared of the truth.

I just want Jesus so bad...... and I know there's hope in Him......... but it's SO hard not to get caught up in everything............( yes everything....... cuz I'm having a friggen hard time finding anything good to look at).

I'm sorry......... I swear I'll be OK in a few minutes. I'm not usually one to post blogs about crap cuz I know it's not worth focusing on........... but this blog thing is actually my journal.... and people happen to read it. So...sometimes journals need honesty.... and this is mine.

I'm gonna ask people to refrain from commenting on this post. Partly cuz I know the truth of hope and people writing about it might just throw me off the edge. And partly cuz I might delete this post from embarassment once I'm feeling better.

Thank you........ I love you all and goodnight.

Ecstatic!!!

2006-05-03T20:06:00.000-03:00

I get to teach 2 Korean girls how to play the piano and they are just the cutest! (haha OK... so that line sounded horribly ditzy I know... I'm sorry)

I'm really really pumped tho. The 6 year old is freakin amazing. She knows nothing about music but she plays by ear and is PHENOMENAL. I couldn't believe what she played! Like we're talking hands together, multiple left hand notes per bar. WOW. I'm in shock.

I'm very happy about this!

I Have Nothing to Say 2

2006-05-02T23:17:00.000-03:00

I feel the need to reiterate this post. Altho I did alter a couple things and add to the end, the emotion and meaning haven't changed.

All the words screaming to be uttered render me speechless. (did I steal that line?)

I am perfectly happy and so perfectly filled with sorrow.

It's way too difficult to ask which emotion is the truth... or how they coincide if both can exist together.

But please do not fear (or hope) that I am depressed or even close to despair. I no longer deem that an option.

And do not even think for a moment that I am blinded by joy until I am numb to pain.

I feel everything and am everything. I promise, no matter what I say, the pain you think you see sometimes is real. But also know that the reason it's only a passing moment of pain is because I choose joy.

So many poets write beautiful things about choosing to smile and dance despite storms and circumstances. But many times as soon as someone attempts to live what is written, they are scorned or labeled "fake".

But, to be honest. I'm OK with being "fake" cuz, frankly, the joy I'm experiencing is far better than the sorrow that's creeping on my doorstep.

I do have to admit though, I'm thoroughly annoyed with the fact that I cannot cry anymore. I need that release... and it's not happening. Maybe God's teaching me not to rely on my emotional responses for healing. I'm telling you... it's not an easy lesson to learn. And it's taking way too long.

aaaaaaaaaah

2006-05-01T17:58:00.000-03:00

I'm trying to write a song to sing at graduation. It's not happening.

I have too many ideas and too little headspace. *sigh*

I hope I get a breakthru before June 8th!

Weekend

2006-05-01T15:13:00.000-03:00

I had a pretty incredible weekend. Nothing spectacular happened... but I was happy, the sun shone every day, work went well, church was excellent and we had a blast... here are some pics...

We forgot the zoom!

Silly Faces!

I think Allan had a good weekend too

Adam likes to drive

Yes, we know we rock

Farting preachers and fart charts!

Kelsi stopped by on her walk

And I don't play guitar

I'm happy

2006-04-28T11:35:00.000-03:00

Because I'm going to Roses for the night and I love her :)

I have new running shoes and they're awesome :)

I have 2 shifts of work this weekend which means I can catch up on the moolahs :)

God has totally provided for Shilpha this month (the first month I was unable to do so) :)

God is faithful and I am utterly and completely loved by Him. :)

Hoorah!

Someday I'll write something fancy again. Lately I've just been too busy to work on stuff. I've been enjoying real, simple posts.

I don't usually think in extensive vocabulary or clever language anyway. I just think... deep things but on simple terms.

Yep... that's it for today folks.

I like climbing

2006-04-28T00:15:00.000-03:00

I think I need to do it more. It's exhilerating.... especially if I can climb really high.

There's especially something special about pursuing the top.... getting as far as I possibly can... keep going higher. It's like a physical act of worship.

God's been teaching me that lately. When I run I do it as an act of intercession.... but also of perserverence. When I'm shot, I keep going. Cuz sometimes that's what you just have to do.

I wanna get to the top.... I wanna get to the top. I need to go higher... I'm not satisfied here... I can't see clearly yet... these little glimpses between branches are skewed by the leaves.... I really want that clarity of vision that I can gain. And I'll climb til I reach it............

Til I reach freedom. Where's it just You and me...and nothing can touch us....

It's beautiful from up there.

WOW

2006-04-26T23:47:00.000-03:00

How do you explain that?

ahhh let's just say that I was given some kind of mandate to be a voice for aborted babies tonight.

And the jealousy and fear of the Lord gripped me like it never has before.

And I got sucked into a tornado.... and I don't know what happened.

OH Lord.... thank You that You are my everything.

"My hands are empty tho, they are lifted up, so I come in reckless abandon" ~Kim McMecan.............. This is my theme song for the week. Everybody remind me that I can do nothing.... it's all been done. I just have to come.

thank you JESUS.

Surprise!!!

2006-04-26T15:47:00.000-03:00

That's why I've been SO snappy, impatient and annoyed the past few days.

That would explain prayers from Allan and 'The Diary of a Mad Black Woman' causing me to baul my eyes out (even tho I have been unable to cry for months).

That would be the cause of all the other "arg" things for the past 3 days.

Thanks, dang it.

haha at least there's an explaination.

Dear World, Dear Self:

2006-04-24T21:37:00.000-03:00

Will you look past your idol?
(Yes, there's only one... it's you.)

Look outside of yourself.
And you'll see a bigger picture.

Cuz if you haven't noticed already,
You're not going anywhere on your own.
(sorry to break it to you)

If you'd look up for a moment... I'm sure it would be clear.
But it's hard to see anything with your eyes cast upon yourself.

I'm sure you are very lovely...
But nobody's gonna know that unless you give.

Just a thought.

2006-04-24T21:32:00.000-03:00

In the silence, You are speaking
In the quiet, I can feel the fire
And it's burning, burning deeply
Burning all it is that You desire...

To be silent... in me.

(Jason Upton)

My trip to New York 2

2006-04-21T10:55:00.000-03:00

**** THIS IS THE MOST IMPORTANT DAY IF YOU'RE BORED WITH THE OTHER POSTS ****

This is taking so friggen long..... it's been a week!

Saturday morning we headed out to what's called "Yogi Bear Sunday School" with Metro city ministries (or somethin like that). Bill Wilson, one of my heroes, heads up a Sunday school where 8000 inner city kids are reached each week!!!! We helped out with ONE of the three services ONE week and it was utterly indescribable. I can't imagine these people on staff and that is their job! I'm trying hard not to be jealous....

So we arrived there and were assigned buses. 60 buses go out each week to pick up kids ALL over the city and bring them to Yogi Bear. Soo me, Shan and Andrew went on one bus. A little 5-year-old girl sat down beside me and we talked away for a little while. I told her I was from up north in Canada. I pointed up when I said the word "north". So after a few minutes of silence (while I was talking to other girls), she turned to me and said "So who's going to get you back up there??" (as she points to the sky). I thought that was precious.... one of the best moments of my life.

So eventually we got the kids singing/screaming songs. I taught some of them actions to "Every Move I Make". We had a blast. Their enthusiasm and joy to scream out worship songs was overwhelming.... and this was only the few kids we picked up on the bus.

So we got to the actual building where the meeting was taking place. It was like Kidzone...... only doubled. Children dancing, worshipping, screaming, reciting the "4 most important things" (the gospel in 4 sentences) and just loving Jesus! I sat with a couple girls who had captured my heart on the bus... and we rocked the place out.

I know I'm not describing this very well. But I gave up trying to portray the impact of 800 children, from the ROUGHEST situations, worshipping together. The smiles, the laughter, the safety, love and joy in that place was unreal. If I tried to describe it... it wouldn't work.

But the thing I loved most as I watched the joy on these kids faces. Is to know that this was a safe place. A place of refuge from whatever circumstances they face at home, school or their neighbourhood. Here was safety and love.... and that's who they know Jesus as. They're only view of Jesus is this beautiful celebration and overwhelming love.... and that's what it's supposed to be!! yah

So, they got the kids quieted down, and did a message/drama that blew me away. I wept silently as I watched as the annointing and power of God filled the room and began touching kids. It was incredible.

I got the opportunity afterwards to be on the "ministry team". So I went up and girls began to flood the front of the room asking for prayer about "taking their problems to God" (the theme of the day). My first litle girl was so unbelievable. She was so sweet, so gentle and she told me that her dad hits her at home. So after praying with her and loving on her... telling her she is beautiful and worth so much, I took her name and sent her along to her bus............. it was indescribably heartbreaking.

The next little girl couldn't even speak to me. She was so overwhelmed with the love of God that she just cried in my arms. To this day I still have no idea what God was doing in her or what "problems" she was surrendering... but God's power was in it. I prayed with her and sent her along as well.

I prayed with another probably 6 or so girls... each of them broken before the Lord (with a couple cute ones that asked that God would take the hurt of their dog dying or whatever). I think that's all I can really tell ya'll.

If I even could give you a piece of what God was doing, what was happening in the room and what was happening in my own heart, I would. But I'm not even sure how to go on.........

So needless to say, I was broken, but felt selfish for even caring about my own feelings. I wanted to despair because I wanted to take all these kids home and knew I couldn't... but I knew that despair wasn't the answer and the reason Yogibear is even in place is for this very reason... giving hope to the hopeless and changing the atmosphere over the city (thanks Al for the reminder). If you ask Allan and Shannon (and the others I'm sure I just didn't talk to them about it much), then they had similar experiences.

I did give the first little girl's name to a staff member in case you were wondering.

We left and went back to our touristy selves.

The rest of Saturday was good. We went to Krispy Kremes donuts (gag). They're SOO sweet. ugh. haha but I have to admit they do tickle the fancy of my tastebuds....

Um... I can't really remember the rest of Saturday. I know I should have blogged earlier but I'm such a procrastinator.

While I'm pausing to remember, I'll mention that I'm going to add a bit to the post about Friday cuz I forgot a couple things.

Ooooh on Saturday just after leaving Krispy Kremes, we saw this lady out on a street corner with a wireless mic, preaching the gospel in Spanish. The boldness and annointing on this girl was incredible. I couldn't understand what she was saying but I was jealous of her zeal and courage. I love Spanish....... *sigh*

OOOOh Saturday night I had a fun experience puking in the garbage cans of New York City!!! Geez louise. I ate Mcdonalds at 10 pm (bad idea), at a crazy Mcdonalds (with mozza sticks!). and about 15 minutes later my burger and mozza sticks decided they didn't like my stomach (or perhaps my stomach didn't like them). They came tumbing back up in about 4 different garbage cans along the road. It sucked tho cuz most of the cans have covers over them so it was like a race against my stomach to find open ones. baaaah how dumb is that.

My one good memory of all of that tho was, as allan's standing holding my hair (thanks Al!) a man comes up and is like "here, give this to your lady". And it was a brand-new facecloth out of a package he had. I wanted to give the man a great big hug... but decided against it. (dang. I shoulda lol). I found that gesture so unblievably beautiful. I lost the facecloth tho.... to my great disappointment. It was going in my hall of fame. dang it

so that's the basic jist of Saturday.... these blogs are mainly to keep myself posted in the future on what happened. So sorry if they're boring. haha

have a good afternoon.

My Trip to New York

2006-04-20T14:37:00.000-03:00

began with a 10 pm commencement at the University of New Brunswick, Saint John. My vehicle held me, Shan, Allan, Andrew and our wonderful driver Cynthia. The other vehicle consisted of Jordan, Jamie, Scott and their driver, Donnie. We headed out happy, healthy, excited and a wee bit tired.

The first, oh, 7 hours of the trip was rather uneventful. We listened to a heck of a lot of Great Big Sea (which wasn't too bad) and country music (killed me). But it kept Cynthia awake so I couldn't complain.

Somewhere in the middle of nowhere, Rhode Island (that's what our waitress described the place as), we stopped for the drivers to sleep. So me, Shan and the 3 boys (Andrew, Scott & Allan) went to Denny's for breakfast. The nice lady who waited on us took our picture. :)

So we set out driving again. As we reached CT, my heart began to hurt. It was calling for that piece that's buried somewhere in the New Haven/Hamden area. WELL GUESS WHAT FREAKIN HAPPENED??!! We drove exactly PAST New Haven. In tears, I tried really hard not to obviously hint that we should stop there on the way back. I should have hinted harder... but I felt bad.

Well, we continued 45 minutes away and stopped in Stamford at our hotel. The hotel was pretty swell. We didn't have awesome service... but we're Christians so we forgave them. :) While some people rested up, me, Al and Shan, went to the mall down the street. Shan and I bought awesome sunglasses (I looked so American with them on), and she bought some shampoo. We made Allan go up and down the glass elevator like 50 times and I think he almost had a heart attack.

Oh yah... and what the HECK was up with Abercrombie and Fitch. They're XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXLARGE pants wouldn't have fit me!!! It must have been the kid section... but it didnt' say that anywhere... weiiiird.

FINALLY.... it was time to go to the big city. We piled into the van and were on our way.

Um... that day was kind of a blur. I remember it was raining and I had a skirt and leather shoes on (go figure eh?)... but we did manage to walk thru time square for awhile!! It was like BAM... beautiful. haha We ate at TGI Fridays and I'm still bitter cuz they forced us to tip. We didn't even have good service! (altho I AM Canadian and am used to my waiter/waitress falling all over him or herself to help us out... probly not typical in new york at suppertime). Man... I probly would have tipped anyway... but to FORCE it was just unrealistic. I'm bitter and never eating there again. Besides, it reminds me way too much of the Christian club at school... and I don't even want to go there.

My favourite part about Friday tho, was St. Peter's Cathedral. I've never been in so much... awe before. The building was BEAUTIFUL. And the history of worship and lovers of God resonated and seeped out of the walls. I could have sat there forever. It was neat too bcuz we were there on Good Friday and so there were a lot of people in there praying. We got to join them and just love Jesus.... *sigh*

(this is an addition to the post)
I forgot (how could I?) to mention that we went on the Subway (my first subway experience!... I almost landed on the lap of a strange man when the first lurch happened hahaha) Somebody caught me, thankfully (thanks whoever you were... allan? shannon?).

We went to ground zero. man...... it was nuts to stand in the place where the twin tower stood!!! There's such an odd atmosphere there. Obviously the part I found most interesting was the 2 beams that are left standing from the building. They form a perfect cross. Nothing else is left standing........ crazy huh?

The remainder of Friday was rockin... but Saturday was my favourite.

I hope

2006-04-19T18:02:00.000-03:00

that I get to blog about NYC soon. Today I slept and did school all day.

I am going to a musical tonight. I'm pumped. I think it will be bittersweet though because I do truly miss musical days. *sigh*

Mel will be astounding I'm sure tho. All my sorrow will be drowned by pride for her being my friend.

A NYC post will come.

New York City!

2006-04-13T12:08:00.000-03:00

I'm going! God paved the way. :)

Sooo pray for safety, that we get some INTENSE opportunities to minister to some kids, and that we all get ruined!!

I love ya'll have a good weekend.

I'll be back Monday night sometime.

2006-04-12T23:18:00.000-03:00

This is my song,
This is my battlecry:

Christ arise,
Christ arise.

This is my song,
This is my battlecry:

Christ arise in me.

(I forget who sings this... not I)

Ivanhoe...

2006-04-12T15:26:00.000-03:00

Is finished! Geez Louise... I always thought I was one of those brainiac kids who can do all their work quickly and with ease... but one area where I'm lacking is the speed read.

I am SUCH a slow reader. I can be fast if I choose to be, but if I actually want to enjoy myself I have to bring it down to a snail's pace. ARG. It took A LOT of time to read that book.

But it is done. And although I was not overly impacted or enthralled the plot or Sir Walter Scott's style (the two elements that usually decide my opinion of a story), I did enjoy them moderately. I can't complain but there shall be no late night ponderings about any part of it (or crying myself to sleep as I did in another school novel, Jane Eyre).

Anyhow... I do have to write 2 essays on it. So perhaps I should start on those....

Farewell.

I have nothing to say

2006-04-11T23:25:00.000-03:00

All the words screaming to be uttered leave me speechless.

I am perfectly happy and so perfectly filled with sorrow.

It's way too difficult to ask which emotion is the truth... or how they coincide if both can exist together.

But please do not fear (or hope) that I am depressed or even close to despair. I no longer deem that an option.

And do not even think for a moment that I am blinded by joy until I am numb to pain.

I feel everything and am everything. Can you be OK with the fact that sometimes I feel like I do suffer? Can you accept that I choose joy in the midst of suffering?

So many poets write beautiful things about choosing to smile and dance despite storms and circumstances. But as soon as one tries to walk out these ideals, someone cuts them short.

We truly CAN be filled in absolutely all circumstances.

I guaren stinkin tee it. hehe

OK, g'night.

Imagination

2006-04-10T23:33:00.000-03:00

The incentive of all adventure
The prediction of each excitement
Caresses originality
Nurtures creativity
The foothold of every dream

2006-04-09T23:48:00.000-03:00

The sun and I danced in the water this evening.

His rays, gay yet steadfast, glimmered as the water flowed through them, eager to be touched, if even for a moment, by their serenity.

I, on the other hand, made a ruckus as I splashed, twirled, cartwheeled, and even shouted my own writings (refer to the eighth blog below this) in frivolous bliss.

Despite our differences, the sun and I met in love as he disappeared behind the city. His light kissed me goodnight and my thoughts melted in the embrace of his colour.

We danced upon the water this time, in the unity that only perfect beauty can create.

Farewell Mr. Sun, see you in the morning.

Blessing

2006-04-08T09:58:00.000-03:00

OK... the purpose of this blog is not to brag, boast or anything silly like that. But it is a TESTIMONY of the goodness of God in my life.

I have NEVER been so financially blessed as I have been over the past little while. Because of the job I have (playing music on the weekends at Vivaldis) my pay is somewhat varied from week to week (I get an awesome base pay, but with one shift a week, tips are crucial. AND, it being weekend work, I often can't work at all).

But the Lord provides! Every need I have is covered. Every time I need a little extra cash flow, a random opportunity to make money happens.

The past year has been a year of letting go of money for me. I've learned how to be faithful with little by saving and giving in times of need. The Lord has asked me to take HUGE steps (well, huge to me anyway haha) of giving financially... but I can absolutely testify that He has multiplied everything I've sown. I used to "believe" the concept of sowing and reaping and being a cheerful giver... but the Lord has given me HANDS ON practise this year. And it's been the most beautiful adventure I could ever imagine.

So I encourage ya'll... GIVE GIVE GIVE. You really do learn to love it... You'll learn to get excited as the Lord calls you to higher levels of seeing with a Heavenly perspective. IT's awesome!

haha posting this blog means I should probly be ready to give somemore. Ouch, here comes another stretch! :)

Shopping

2006-04-07T16:54:00.000-03:00

Silver earrings... check
Hair colour... check (back to eu natural)
Face wash... check (new line of the apricot stuff Courtney)
Jeans... check, check (2 pairs!... poor old faithfuls and Mr. Balloons can finally retire)
Socks... check (99 cents a pair)

All done leaving me 1 hour to get ready for work. If I can get out of my shopping stupor I'll be good.

I hate shopping..... and I hate jeans shopping with a burning passion. Thank the Lord God almighty I survived. wooooh. We're done for another little while.

Broken

2006-04-06T09:33:00.000-03:00

Reveal to me the arrogance of my ignorance
To your call for the entirety of my heart
Subdue my false affection for this world
And undo my notions of superiority
Struggle is what ushers me to the spring of strength I seek

You've healed me and You've built me
Will You now destroy me?

I long to be broken

~~This is a frightening prayer.
~~I wonder... am I really ready to pray it?

2006-04-06T09:32:00.000-03:00

Dear Jesus

Please take away my hiccups

Thank-you

Love,
Katie

Yuck

2006-04-05T22:36:00.000-03:00

I'm sick with a fever and I want chocolate RIGHT NOW.

I s'pose chocolate soy milk will have to do the trick for tonight..... *sigh*

I wonder when I'll ever write anything inspiring or uplifting again.

aaaaaaaaaaah

2006-04-04T16:40:00.000-03:00

I can't handle this.

I HATE ugly days.

2 conclusions

2006-04-04T13:52:00.000-03:00

1. Inchworms are one of the cutest creatures on the planet
2. Homemade smoothies are about the best drink ever designed

2006-04-04T11:00:00.000-03:00

And if what I know and have experienced thus far is but a drop in the ocean,

Then I dance upon the sand in hopes that the tide takes me by surprise and comes in to tickle my toes.

Bah

2006-04-03T13:57:00.000-03:00

I realized I got tagged with this a while ago by my sister. And since I need a break from school work and sunshine (I hope I'm not burnt!) then I shall do this.

I apologize to anyone who is annoyed by these... I enjoy them from time to time. hah

FOUR JOBS I'VE HAD:
1. Random Babysitter/dogsitter
2. Piano Teacher
3. Circle Square Ranch Staff
4. Worship Leader/weekly restaurant musician

FOUR MOVIES/SHOWS I'VE BEEN ADDICTED TO:
1. Everafter (sad to say I watched it 13 times in 14 days)
2. Pocahontas (I knew the whole thing by heart)
3. Survivor (back in the original days)
4. Lost

FOUR PLACES I'VE LIVED:
1. Westmorland Road
2. Winchester Drive
3. Meenans Cove Rd
4. Hamden, CT

FOUR COUNTRIES I WOULD LIKE TO VISIT:
1. Columbia
2. India
3. Israel
4. Italy

FOUR POPULAR FALSE ASSUMPTIONS ABOUT ME:
1. I love being good
2. I'm confident in my musical abilities
3. I love talking
4. I don't care what people think

FOUR PEOPLE I LOOK LIKE:
1. Deanna
2. Emily
3. Marli
4. Laura Brewyet apparantely

FOUR THINGS (I HOPE) TO DO BEFORE I DIE:
1. See Jesus face to face
2. Get married/have a family
3.Save tons of children from poverty, abuse and trafficking
4. Travel a heck of a lot

PEOPLE I TAG NEXT:
Whoever wants to I s'pose

Sunny Days

2006-04-03T10:26:00.000-03:00

Sweepin the clouds away

On my way to where the air is sweet!

Teddy Hoe the Garden and Sing With the Children

2006-04-01T21:59:00.000-04:00

My day... was beautiful.

It began at midnight, talking to the teddy bear in Roses spare bedroom. I told it that I wanted it to talk to me like my former teddy friends used to. I saw his eyes move across the room at one point. With my imagination tickled and curiosity peaked, I looked closer only to realize that it was actually my reflection in Teddy's eyes that had moved. I tried to think of something profound that the experience taught me... but all I came to realize is that once you come to the revelation that toys don't talk, you can never go back. But I suppose it's probably a good thing because I think a 16 year old talking to stuffed animals could create quite a stir.

I did let him sleep in my bed tho.

Then I read a chapter or 2 of Ivanhoe. I'm thoroughly enjoying this book because it's a leisurly read. I'm not hanging on the edge of Sir Walter Scott's words because he writes with gripping cliffhangers, but I get to read the story at my convenience and truly love it on my own time. I wouldn't ever want a relationship like that... but I don't think the book is offended.

So I slept, and had dreams about 35 cent muffins, pianos and clogged toilets in restaurants. I woke up rather curious as to what this could all mean.

My morning was spent with a lovely Rose in the garden. I found gardening quite theraputic. I did it, of course, with bare feet and a skirt on so I truly felt authentic and beautiful. I maybe even acquired a bit of perma-dirt on the feets.

Next came Alley-oop's house. After being there for about 2 minutes, I picked up his adorably captivating little brother Zayden. Zay is positively the happiest 1 year old I've ever met. So I layed down and put him up in the air to play a super-baby game with him and he began to laugh. However something other than sound came out of his mouth. He spit up..... into my mouth. No joke... I couldn't believe it. I put him down and Allan, who although sitting beside us missed the whole episode, said "Zayden doesn't spit up". But it was apparently not my imagination cuz my entire sweater was soaked with baby-puke. I laughed... couldn't believe the fact that puke actually transfered from one mouth to another... and cleaned myself up.

Next we hopped in the car with Donnie Snook and headed out to Kidzone. I decided before I got there that I would overcome my "I don't want to play music" attitude (one I must battle frequently when asked to play music or sing at every event I ever go to - even one I came surprisingly to *cough* St Stephen). It's a silly attitude to have... so I got over it. Good thing cuz I ended up playing music. haha

So randomly God gave me TONS of grace to play well, enjoy myself and once again, be COMPLETEY overwhelmed as I watch hundreds of kids worshipping God. Every time I go to Kidzone I'm ruined, but tonight being up on stage and actually leading some of the worship intensified the experience. Positively Beautiful.

So now I'm home... utterly exhausted and I was just told I lose an hour of sleep tonight.

DANG. Such a bad ending to a beautiful day.

It's OK... I'll survive.

Rayne

2006-03-31T11:12:00.000-04:00

This is Rayne.

She is 16 years old. Her natural hair colour is brown, and what seems to be the most natural length is right at her shoulders. Her eyes are about a hazel colour as brown and green intricately blend to create a "not quite green or brown" design. Rayne is short… no more than half an inch over 5 feet. Her petite hands and feet follow suit with her short body. She's smaller around the waist area but broad shoulders and hips keep her from being overly tiny.

Rayne lives at home with her mother, father and younger sister in a relatively quiet town of prosperous families. Her house is an average size, some would call it big and others small, but it's really nothing spectacular either way. Her property includes a large yard and about 1.5 acres of forest. During the summertime you'd find a trampoline in the backyard, and a raspberry patch in the woods. Sometimes deer feed on Rayne's grass and drink the morning dew it holds at the early hours of the day.

Rayne is captivated by clouds, stars, long grasses, streams in the woods, wildflowers and the ocean. She does not consider blowing dandelion seeds either a waste of time or a nuisance. The sound of waves crashing on rocky shores is music to her heart. Rain creates a beautiful sound too that could be compared to exquisite teardrops of Heaven falling to earth. Rayne also loves the sunshine though because it never stops smiling. Inevitably then, sun showers are Rayne's favourite type of weather because she likes a reason to smile through her tears. She is perfectly content enjoying them separately though, as long as there is a balance between them.

Rayne is impacted by children. She admires their uncouth and natural laughter that echoes through every hall of history. She envies their great imaginations that stretch further than the ends of the earth. She longs to attain their freedom to love the unlovely in perfect innocence. She wishes to be childlike in every way possible.

Music and writing are forms of release for Rayne. Separately they are wonderful, but writing music roots a joy within her, deeper than most others. When Rayne writes or plays music outside, she feels as though she's grasped a piece of Heaven and possibly a hint of what true freedom really is.

Rayne knows how to experience life because of the fullness of her relationship with God. Nothing can rob her of the passionate love she has received from Him and given to Him. She believes that her relationship with the King of the universe can grow deeper for eternity. She is freed from fear by the fact that the love of God is her protection, strength and comfort in times of need. She relies on the goodness of God when joy is abundant and when she is living righteously by faith. She relies on the mercy of God when despair seems to be the only answer and when her decisions have taken her outside His will. She is perfectly content in His love, but unsatisfied as she runs harder, further and deeper into the mystery of who He is and what He has for her. She truly loves Him in the greatest capacity that she knows.

Rayne also relies on the strength of God to be perfected in all her weakness. She recognizes many weak areas, one being her short attention span. Inclusive thoughts and day dreams continually plague her mind throughout daily activities. Speaking with people can be positively overwhelming if she isn't given the time to process what has been said. Even when strong emotions are at stake, such as in an argument, she hears everything but in order to truly listen, she needs moments of silence. Otherwise a sentence or even a word will spark her thoughts to a memory or idea completely foreign to the topic and other participants of the conversation.

Of course, all of this is only true if Rayne is acting honestly. With acquaintances and people with which her insecurities do not allow her to assume equality, she is the life of the conversation. Words flow off her tongue with ease; she is an excellent conversationalist. Some would call Rayne a most socially apt person, comfortable with most kinds of people, despite their gender, age or background. It may also seem to many of these people that she is extremely expressive of her emotions, and is truly vulnerable with the world.

However, in reality, silence is how Rayne listens and learns to speak truthfully. And it is only in confidence that she allows silence to exist.

Rayne is an expert at controlling and suppressing emotion. She rarely bursts into rage or other extreme expressions. Very few people have seen her temper; the most she expresses is usually an annoyance or frustration. Her family sees anger from time to time, but then again, they are the closest to her and, in truth, they do seem to be the most often cause of it anyway.

Although extremely constricting at the time, Rayne is usually quite thankful for her suppressed emotions that allow her to calm herself into a place of rationality and logic. She is known for her short or non-existent grudges because she is gifted in seeing the reasons behind people's actions and words. Even if there seems no sensible reasoning, Rayne is still a firm believer in forgiveness because she knows that it is not her that lives, but Christ who lives in her. And He freely forgave the injustice against Him that far outweighs the petty wrongdoings that she has experienced.

Rayne is sickened by the thought of apathy. She understands that it could single-handedly destroy the world. She is driven by purpose, focus and ambition and, although she may seem noble in these pursuits, she is actually acting upon a fear of becoming directionless. She is so extreme in these habits that she often forgets to rest so when she reaches the point of exhaustion, she must give up completely in order to survive, thus finding herself in the very place she fears… apathy.

Rayne observes, investigates and analyzes other people's circumstances of life. She discovers their inward wounds, threatening feelings, and overwhelming insecurities as well as their levels of confidence, joy, hope and peace. She knows herself well and therefore, many times she can relate her own emotions and behavioural patterns to other people, or simply just learn from what she has observed over the years.

Rayne describes individuals metaphorically as deep and mysterious lakes, hidden in a forest of relationships and experiences of life. The floors of these lakes consist of precious gems that have managed to penetrate the waters and send an impacting ripple throughout the entire being of a person. These gems can include moments of inspiration, experiences of truth, adventures of love, and most importantly, impacting relationships. These gems become submerged into the depth of devotion, and although they may become buried, they never truly surface and depart from the lake. And just as gems would be hidden under mysterious waters until a light could pierce the darkness, Rayne believes the light of love is the only guide through the misleading path to these lakes. And it is only in the light of love that the reflection of these moments, truths and relationships create a dazzling and spectacular scene of eternal colour, life and radiance, just as gems would shimmer under lighted waters.

Rayne has watched as people's hearts are found by the light of the love of Jesus. She says there are no words to express or beauty to compare to these incredible moments of eternity.

In the end, Rayne is a typical extremist: an extremist in opinion that longs for peace among men, an extremist in truth continually diving into unfathomable mystery, an extreme feeler that comprehends the wisdom in suppressed emotions… and an extreme lover that longs for extreme love.

This is Rayne.

Zoe

2006-03-29T21:24:00.000-04:00

Hello my name is Zoe
I have no other name
I dance upon the seashore
And sing inside the rain

I like to watch the clouds
And form their stories in my mind
The lightening strikes so close
Thunder envelops me in time

I don’t believe in fairy tales
Except this one I’m living
I sometimes know of love
But it’s something I’m not giving

Who is this name I see
But when I say it I can’t hear
Is it the fiery, desiring object of my hate
The one thing that I fear

All say love is real,
Some say love is blind
I’ve heard that love is patient
I’ve heard that love is kind

But where is this love
Is my seeking just in vain?
Is it even an emotion
Or the root of all my pain

I can’t see past the darkness
How are people blinded by the light?
Emotions are my terror
As sunrise brings the night

All this is what I say
But is it what I mean
It could be insecurity
Creating fact from what I dream

I can go no further
Freedom of thought no longer bliss
At the end of all confusion
My one question leaves me this

What if love is just a feeling
Nothing more than a revealing
Of our naive sentiment....

Telling us there’s reality.

One time I sat at my computer and this song happened. I haven't figured out its exact purpose, although I do have a few possibilities in mind. But for whatever reason, I felt like sharing it tonight.

At this point in life, I actually feel as contrary to the lyrics then I ever have (altho very few moments have I truthfully believed what the song says anyway). It's vulnerable... but I don't hesitate to share because it's not my heart I'm exposing. I guess it's someone elses. To whoever you are, I apologize if I dug deep. Please forgive me and please learn to believe in love. I despair for you if you don't.

Hallelujah

2006-03-29T21:21:00.000-04:00

Grace like rain

Falls down on me

Holy Tight Leash

2006-03-29T11:13:00.000-04:00

Man... God's got me covered.... TIGHTLY.

I just posted a blog... I have to admit it wasn't overly kind... I may have even used the "p" word... I'm apologize for my profanity and attitude.

Anyhow... once I posted it, all of a sudden I couldn't get on my blog. I tried and tried... it let me delete the post, but not actually go view it.

OH DEAR

But I guess I can say what I said a little nicer in order to keep track of my life.

I just got home from the doctors. He pretty much thinks I make up random diseases and pain because I told him my leg hurt and has been, badly, for about a month now... and he told me there was "no medical explaination... just like your stomach". Only he said it with a horrible smirk on his face that told me he thinks I'm a troubled child that goes to the doctor for attention.

Dude... if it's psychological, then tell me how to fix it! Cuz, frankly, I'm sick of puking up my meals and randomly not being able to walk.

He could have at least referred me to a psychiatrist. baaaaaaah

anyway... that's the nicer version of the story. Much nicer.

Happiness

2006-03-29T01:01:00.000-04:00

It seems simple,

But I am very happy.

Tanning

2006-03-28T14:00:00.000-04:00

I think I just got sunburnt. The warmth was too beautiful to scorn... even when wisdom told me I was out there for too long.

I love the sunshine.

I don't mean to complain...

2006-03-27T21:36:00.000-04:00

But is there any stomachs for sale?

The one I have did serve me faithfully for years... and for that I'm thankful. I think it might be broke now... it just doesn't seem to like food anymore. I feel sorry for it bcuz stomach's are supposed to like food. So perhaps it's time for this one to retire.

I really would accept a new one and provide an excellent home, feeding it generously with health foods full of good enzymes and vitamins. I'm sure we could become friends and learn to work together

Sincerely,

Katie

2006-03-27T20:46:00.000-04:00

I want to write funny thoughts that I have... but then I feel cliche and as though I only thought funny thoughts in order to write them.

And altho I s'pose that is allowed and is maybe even a typical habit of a writer, I don't feel as though they're truly my thoughts. It becomes more like a conversation.

And in a conversation I can never truly express what I'm thinking. Whether that be a result of fear of vulnerablity or simply a block in my ability to speak I'm not sure.

But then how do I learn to write my thoughts without becoming distracted as tho I'm conversing with the world?

...I don't know about this...

Jus d'orange

2006-03-27T20:33:00.000-04:00

I've really enjoyed orange juice as of late. Especially the pulpy stuff.

I'm also lovin Natalie Tuttle... my pal from Connecticut.(If you click the name of this blog it'll take you to her. She's friggen awesome. Especially Blank Sheets)

DANG IT. The orange juice didn't work this time. I drank nearly a litre of it too. I'm thirsty again.

The Window

2006-03-26T23:38:00.000-04:00

I'm standing at the window.
Colour and light is clouding the sky.
My peripheral observes a shaded relfection,
In contrast to the transparency of my focus.
My eyes search deep into the eternity of colour
Until I step out to become completely lost in what I've found......

My nose presses against the cold glass
It's clouded by my breath
When completely obscured tho,
I realize something else is blinding me

A tear drips down the pane and on to the floor.

2006-03-25T00:05:00.000-04:00

Like Horses that are yoked... to the chariots of kings

Hook me up to Your heart God

Never to be free

(In this Holy Captivity)

~ Kevin Prosch - with Courtney Ethridge

Fountain of Joy

2006-03-24T23:42:00.000-04:00

Exuberance is my pal tonight. He (I've deemed the emotion masculine in hope that someday the male gender will experience it more often then they seem to) seems to come to hang out very randomly. I do love the overjoyed feeling I have when I am with Him. Light and life seems not to seep, but sprout out, of my pores.

Kind of like a fountain of joy springing from the deep I suppose. Crystal clear and refreshing waters. I hope that my fountain of will be steady, just like Ol' Faithful. Consistent and reliable, for everyone to see the beauty of it. And perhaps even get a spray of happiness as they watch it burst forth.

I've got peeeeace, flowing like a river. (River! River!)
I've got jooooooy sproutin like a fountain. (Fountain! Fountain!)
I've got looooove wider than the ocean. (Ocean! Ocean!)
Let it flow, let it flow, let it flow, let it flow, through meeee
na na na na na na na

Blueberries and Sneezes

2006-03-24T09:46:00.000-04:00

I've been eating far too many blueberries these days..... and, frankly, too few bananas.

If you know what that means.... then have yourself a little laugh. If you don't, please don't ask and you'll be happier you didn't.

I just sneezed. I like sneezing. Something frustrates me about sneezing though. Every time I'm in that "I-need-to-sneeze" mode, everybody quickly screams 'LOOK AT THE LIGHT! LOOK AT THE LIGHT!". So I look at the light.... sometimes I sneeze and sometimes I don't. But it seems to satisfy whoever I'm with. Because some people think that looking at the light makes you sneeze, and others thinks it doesn't. I've decided it has something to do with telepathic communication. If the person thinks I won't sneeze when I look at the light, then I won't. And vice versa.

So I guess before I ever look at the light again I'll have to ask whether they think it'll help or not.

Cuz I like sneezing.

I wish I could know...

2006-03-23T23:34:00.000-04:00

What you are thinking right now.....

I hope that right now your thoughts are beautiful.

I hope that right now your thoughts are holy.

I hope that right now your thoughts are honest.

I hope that right now your thoughts are focused on the truth of love.

Please tell me so. It will help my thoughts be such.

In as much as I have the capacity (which is quite limited I know).... I love you.

Firey Flame

2006-03-23T18:08:00.000-04:00

"Why are you blogging so many freakin posts Katie?"

To be honest... I couldn't tell ya. This one is simply because I'm listening to my finally recieved copy of "The Flame" and I lose focus and stop listening unless I'm multitasking. So... blog time it is!

It's kind of a thrilling feeling to be on this CD. I'm kind of bashful about it though. I've considered burying my copies and not allowing anyone else to listen. I know that wouldn't do...but as much as it's exciting to know that people are listening to your music all over the place, it's somewhat disconcerting to be that vulnerable. HELLO EVERYONE.... HERE I AM.

Listening to this, also pricks my heart with a twinge of melancholy. Memories are bathing me, and although sometimes their sentiment seems to drown me, I know they can never be washed away.

Sometimes I wish my heart could be fully mine. I wouldn't leave a part of it with every person and place that impacted me. It keeps me broken.

But that is who I am. A broken vessel, in the hands of Jesus. I cannot escape Him. No matter what individuals or what regions I find myself a part of, He remains. That way my heart can be whole only within Him.

Lint Picking

2006-03-23T17:02:00.000-04:00

I just spent about 20 pointless minutes using tweezers to clean out lint, hair and dust from my hair dryer. Such a tedious task.... I pray that you never have to live such an experience.

Here's the dealio

2006-03-23T12:46:00.000-04:00

This is my blog, blog, blog........ la la la

I decided to start up an online journal here at blogspot for a few reasons.

#1. I need to write regularily... and frankly, I'm far to lazy to handwrite everything.
#2. Writing regularily will hopefully improve my creative communication skills... including conversational ones. As of late I've come to the realization of how lacking those are.
#3. I think I'm slightly addicted to change because I don't want this blog to be at myspace.
#4. No... I think I actually want my blog at myspace to be more meaningful since a lot of people read it.... this one creates an opportunity for more relaxed, honest and even sporadic thoughts.
#5. I like lists

Yah...

So... I jogged in the snow and wind today. It was bitter at first... but exercise has a habit of warming people up... so after a few moments of misery I was well on my way on a delightful run.

I was listening to Tehilah Toronto as I went, praying that my movement would be an act of intercession and worship to God (hey.... we say dance is worship.... why can't running be as well?), and as my feet hit the very bottom of the biggest, steepest, killer hill the song began singing "THIS IS HOW WE OVERCOME, THIS IS HOW WE OVERCOME".......

Which actually triggered a memory of Connecticut. On the night that we recorded "The Flame" (which STILL freakin hasn't appeared in my mailbox), we were in one of the most intense intercessory worship moments I've ever experienced.... and the Zion students who were there begains screaming those same words 'THIS IS HOW WE OVERCOME, THIS IS HOW WE OVERCOME". The memory of Gateway, New England Aflame, and Zion student excited me immensely. And that gave me even more drive to boot it up the hill.

On the other, smaller but medium-difficult hill, I also got a burst of energy to actually SPRINT up. Music is so helpful with exercise. I think I'd be fat without it.

haha In response to something surprising that my mom just said, my sister exclaimed "Get outta here!!!". It cracks me up that as me and my sister spend more and more time at home (inevitably due to being homeschooled), that our manner of speech is slowly morphing into my mother's old-fashioned, sometimes Irish, expressions. For instance, I've used the word lallygag recently.

mmm it's time to go eat some cream of wheat..... farewell for the time being.